Crina and Kirsten Get to Work

Sex, Adultery and Romance At Work

Statistics show that the majority of workers have been in a romantic relationship at work, but it’s not all rainbows and unicorns out there. While some of these relationships end in marriage, most of them fail. Even more disrupting are the surprising number of adulterous relationships at work! With all this love, sex, drama and secrecy...how does anyone get their work done?
 
SHOW NOTES
What better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day - or really any day - than a bit of time with Crina and Kirsten and an episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work on romance in the workplace.  We know relationships at work are important to our satisfaction in our workplaces. And the data indicates that many of us meet our special someone at work. While all that is fantastic, too much of a good thing can be complicated (and even uncomfortable) for everyone - including co-workers.
This episode is for those in workplace romances and for those who work with those in workplace romances - which is apparently almost all of us.  A romantic relationship can be fodder for gossip and distraction in the workplace. It can be stressful and difficult to be in a romantic relationship that co-workers do not know about.  Secrets are hard - and of course if you are a co-worker who knows a secret - secrets can be even harder. Given that 1 in 6 romantic relationships at work is adulterous, we suspect this happens more than we think or want - particularly for those concerned with their productivity at work and of course, the business bottom line.  And, of course, it can be complicated to supervise employees in romantic relationships. And then there is the tragic break up . . .
Crina and Kirsten talk about the different kinds of romantic relationships, the difficulties and benefits that can arise, how the workplace is impacted and some strategies for these difficulties and impacts.
And, as always, we encourage you to explore this topic more deeply with the following links - how can you resist?
Why Relationships in the Workplace Matter | Blog
8 Workplace Romance Statistics You Need to Know Right Now
Professionally Pursuing Workplace Romance: What Organizations Should Teach Employees
The Truth About Office Romance
Tips for Dealing With Romantic Relationships in the Workplace 

Name It and Claim It--Climbing Your Ladder of Personal Success

Regardless of where you are in your career, you need to get clear on where you're going and how you're going to get there. Set your sights high, surround yourself with allies and supporters, and go get what you want!
 
In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our hosts talk about moving your self into the work life you want - whether you call it climbing the ladder, running a ropes course with team members or just creating your own vision for what you want your experience to be - this episode addresses how to get clear about where you are going and how to get there.  
 
However you think of advancing yourself, remember that it’s a journey and one on which folks spend a lot of time and energy, so it better be a great journey.
 
Crina works her magic on goal creation by reminding listeners to:
Be realistic. As yourself, “Do I really want it?” and “What about it do you want?” 
Get clarity. A goal must be specific, clear and measurable.
Challenge yourself. An easy or tedious goal is demotivating. But keep a realistic balance: don’t expect to climb to the top overnight
Remain Committed. You need to buy into the goal at the outset. Write it down! Post it somewhere! Believe in it (and yourself). 
Determine how you’ll get feedback and how you’ll measure progress. Figure out what you’re going to use as feedback. What are the road signs that will tell you if you’re on track or not? For instance, if your goal is to get a promotion or advance in your field, you might choose benchmarks such as: getting more responsibility; being given a new project; seeing doors open up for you; gaining the trust of your supervisor.  This helps to keep the goal on track.
Revisit your goals regularly and adjust as needed
 
Kirsten, with help from Crina, focuses on how to get there and how to deal with the frustrating reality of the percentage of women who advance in the workplace.  This is referred to as getting over the broken rung on women’s advancement in the workplace.
 
Our hosts talk about what actually works and what does not.  Forget the BS advice about playing golf, dressing for success, be funny/don’t be funny, make cookies and on and on.  Instead, find people and groups to support your ascent to where you want to be, such as taking actions that showcase what you are good at, say yes to things that move you towards your goal and of course ask for what you want - see episode 10.
 
And as always - below are some good resources for further thinking on this.
 
The CEO's Secret To Moving Up the Corporate Career Ladder
 
Ladder Down: Climbing to the Top | 2018 Women in Law Issue

Self Confidence-- It's Time to Own It, Sister!

New Flash!!  It is a myth that men are more confident than women.  In fact, studies show that women are in fact as confident as men,but we are judged, criticized and punished for owning our confidence.  In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our curious couple considers confidence, what it is, who exhibits it and why it’s time to own it, sister!
Psychology Dictionary Online defines self-confidence as an individual’s trust in her own abilities, capacities, and judgments, or belief that she can successfully face day to day challenges and demands.
Crina and Kirsten talk about their own experience with confidence. Kirsten trusts her judgement about what she does and does not know.  She is confident in her ability to learn and become competent in something. Kirsten attributes this to lots of experience, failure and recovery.
Crina discusses a friend of hers who is confident, but does not feel comfortable expressing her confidence – and leans towards wanting to be liked.  Her friend is getting ready to start a new job and when asked why she wants to do it, it is because the position pays better, and other people think she will be good.   When Crina went deeper with her friend, she discovered that her friend was confident in her ability to do the job, was excited about it, but did not know how to express these things.    
Our hosts consider what is confidence in a woman?
Character traits:
Doesn’t apologize for “being”
Owns her awesomeness
Willing to be vulnerable or not know something
Doesn’t seem to have anything to prove
Self-assured
Typically, ambitious because she knows what she wants
Willing to take risks
Generally positive
Behavior traits:
Speaks up in meetings 
Takes up space physically 
Projects her own voice
Is direct and clear in her communication
We read these traits as indicators of confidence, and colleagues often infer a lack of confidence when they are absent. Because many of these “executive” behaviors show up more in men, we perceive a “confidence gap.” 
There are things we can do about this, such as speaking well to yourself, taking care of yourself, taking risks, not apologizing, finding ways to get feedback.  And of course, we can help others with this, we can lift other women up, be a mentor, encourage other women, and normalize expressions of confidence.
And why do we want confidence – because it feels good. It is key to getting what you want, particularly in the workplace.  Individuals with confidence experience greater enjoyment in life, less fear and anxiety, more energy and motivation and better interactions with others. 
 We hope you enjoy these articles:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-women/201001/the-truth-about-women-and-self-esteem
What is Self-Confidence? + 9 Ways to Increase It [2019 Update]
Is the Confidence Gap Between Men and Women a Myth?
https://www.forbes.com/sites/hannahart/2019/03/05/the-confidence-gap-is-a-myth-but-a-double-standard-does-exist-how-women-can-navigate/#43797e69867d
https://hbr.org/2014/08/why-women-dont-apply-for-jobs-unless-theyre-100-qualified?utm_medium=email&utm_source=tgr_newnlsignup&utm_campaign=nlconfirmwomenatwork_notactsub_v20191101&deliveryName=DM61551
 

The Problem with Being Likable

Women are told that they need to be likable in order to be successful, yet those that display “likable” characteristics are seen as less capable and professional.  This double standard creates an invisible ladder for men in the working world while at the same time dictating behaviors that are counter to women’s success.
SHOW NOTES
In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work our terrific twosome gets down and dirty with likeability.  Alicia Menendez states in her book, The Likeability Trap- How to Break Free and Succeed as You Are, that likeability is primarily a mask for conscious and unconscious bias established and promoted by the patriarchy.  And with all things patriarchy – our hosts get after crushing that in this episode.
We all want to be liked (well, most of us anyway) so what it the problem with being liked? 
The core of likeability is that we, as women, are expected to meet other’s beliefs about who we should be.  And that is we are kind, soft, warm, nurturing, relationship focused etc. Men, alternatively, are expected to be strong, assertive, decisive, direct, result focused etc.  While the boxes in which we put people do us all a disservice, the boxes women are expected to check are oftentimes not conducive to success. Women who are strong leaders and competent, capable employees are seen as too aggressive, shrill, angry, a battle axe or an ice queen.
 As Marianne Cooper wrote in the Harvard Business Review: “What is really going on...is that high-achieving women experience social backlash because their very success—and specifically the behaviors that created that success—violates our expectations about how women are supposed to behave. Women are expected to be nice, warm, friendly, and nurturing.”
The first problem with likeability is that when we focus on being liked, we are judging ourselves against someone else’s values, not our own, and those can change.  Likeability is an ever shifting paradigm and changes with peoples’ opinions. Likeability focuses on the wrong things, it is hard to attain, it keeps women in their place.  We sacrifice our true selves in an attempt to achieve it and we expend unnecessary energy trying to get it.
Kirsten discusses how the issue of likeability and how it can be exacerbated by the color of a person’s skin.  The workplace is often structured in ways that reward behavior considered socially appropriate in white men but socially inappropriate in women and people of color.  Joan C. Williams in her NYT opinion piece describes the phenomenon as providing an invisible escalator for white men.
Crina discusses the particular problem likeability presents when you are a leader.
But don’t fear – our hosts propose that authenticity, self-awareness, relatability and connection are solutions to the conundrum of likeability.  But if that does not work, do as Alicia Menendez suggests, if you must chose being trying to be liked and being successful, always choose success.
Links to more info
For Women Leaders, Likability and Success Hardly Go Hand-in-Hand
Opinion | How Women Can Escape the Likability Trap
Send us your stories, questions, feedback, and comments to: yougettowork@gmail.com

Is it Time for a Career Change?

The average person changes careers up to 7 times during their lives and experts are predicting this number will steadily increase. Automation, shifting economies and an ever-increasing number of career choices are some of the primary reasons that people, especially millennials, are jumping ship.
 
Do you find yourself drained from work? Are you bored? Do you feel like you’re missing something? Are you just in it for the money? You may want to consider whether a career change would give you more joy, ease and satisfaction in your work. 
Crina made a decision to make a big career change to establish her own consulting firm for leadership and organizational development. Kirsten has gone through the process of considering a career change several times during her career and ended up deciding to make changes where she was rather than moving to a different career.  
Crina serves as the episode’s lab rat - opening the curtain on her process, the highs, the lows and what you can expect.  She talks candidly about the challenges. How to prepare, what to expect from the change, and what is there to look forward to?
Join Crina and Kirsten for a conversation that can lead to transformative change and more satisfaction where you are.
 

Isolation-Loneliness in the Workplace

At a time when we're connected to each other 24/7, many workers report feeling isolated, lonely and lacking genuine connection. In fact this reality so common that researchers have begun calling it a, "Loneliness Epidemic." The antidote: Human-to-human connection.
 
Social interaction at work is incredibly important, yet many people feel the effects of workplace isolation. In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our hosts discuss the loneliness epidemic that is impacting hundreds of thousands of workers. Isolation in the workplace can be subtle or severe, but in either case, the effects are significant. Isolation triggers the same parts of the brain that are triggered by physical pain, which means it makes folks feel real bad – and that is not what we want in the place we spend much of our waking hours.
Isolation can occur because of how your work space is oriented, because you are the “only” (whether you are the only sales person on a team of engineers, the only person with children or maybe the only person who is not a gamer), because the workplace culture supports it – or maybe just because the people you work with are jerks. You may be the boss or you may work remotely. All of this contributes to being isolated from others. We know the importance of friendship in the workplace and how it contributes to your workplace satisfaction and productivity. Isolation is just the opposite of those yummy, fuzzy, fun friend feelings.
So what can you DO about it . . .
Recognize your own feelings
Recognize that you need connections outside of the office to fill those relationship needs Make dates for coffee or lunch with coworkers
Join and volunteer for projects and activities that are outside of your normal work
Work in a different space if your office allows for it – you are more likely to run into people Take breaks in the break room
Get to know a senior person
And keep your sense of humor – sometimes the feelings of isolation can be self-perpetuating.
Crina and Kirsten tell personal stories about their own experiences with isolation and how they have addressed it in their own work lives.
Links to more information:
https://slackhq.com/causes-isolation-work

Self Care=Crushing the Patriarchy

Caring for yourself is not self-indulgent, it's essential to your well-being. Regardless of what you're told by the patriarchy, self-care is a way of life, not a product you can buy.
This episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work is about self-care, which is a timely topic as we enter into the holidays. It is a busy time of year - and most of us have busy lives without the additional stresses posed by the holidays. Our gals discuss self care as personal actualization - and taking back your body and your time and your pleasure and your feelings from those demands created by our “role” as women.
“Caring for myself is not self- indulgence. It is self preservation, and this is an act of political warfare.” by poet and writer Audre Lord
Crina and Kirsten talk about self-care from the Audre Lorde perspective. Not as a massage or a bottle of fancy bath bubbles, but as actions that put our needs before those of others to create practices that are restorative. Crina and Kirsten discuss their own restorative practices and how to create those so that you can bring your best self to all things, including your work.
Articles of Interest:
http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/culturebox/2017/04/the_history_of_self_care.html
https://www.thathummingbirdlife.com/blog/the-problem-with-self-care

Failures

Failure is inevitable. The only way to avoid it is by doing nothing and saying nothing. Join Crina and Kirsten as they explore their own relationship to failure and explore ways to manage the emotions around this big subject.
In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our gals discuss failure in the workplace. Nobody likes failure but it is a reality in every workplace and for every worker. Failure prevents a lot of us challenging ourselves and taking the next step. How do you feel about failure and how does it feel when you fail? What do you worry about? And why does it feel so bad? Crina and Kirsten discuss these questions in an introduction to failure.
The studies show that women are punished more severely for mistakes than men – in other words making a mistake is more consequential if you are a woman.
Failures in the workplace can be broken into three categories – 1 - preventable failures in complex system - otherwise known as human error; 2 unavoidable failures in complex systems; 3 – error at the frontier where things are unknown. Each type of error has different consequences and results in different learning and that is the most important part of failure in the workplace, the ability to learn and grow – if you can hold on through the embarrassment, shame and whatever else comes your way.
Crina and Kirsten discuss the dos and don’ts of failure. Taking ownership and telling the truth are great places to start after a failure. It is important to get help from others too.
And it's important not to forget how to take care of ourselves after a failure – don’t wallow in your despair, but make some time to be kind and gentle with yourself – it will help you solve problems – and just make you feel better.