Crina and Kirsten Get to Work

Can't We All Just Get Along? Managing Conflict, Disagreements and Differences at Work.

When we are able to manage conflict, we are also able to nurture our relationships, collectively solve problems, learn from each other and minimize our burdens. While conflict can lead to positive outcomes, it’s a rare individual who nails it every time. 
 
SHOW NOTES 
Differences, disagreements and conflicts-these definitely get in the way of joy, meaning and ease in the workplace. Our laser-focused (HA!) co-hosts, Crina and Kirsten share isights into this topic from our fabulous listener focus group and provide some tools and strategies to deal with differences, disagreements and conflicts at work. 
Many thanks to our listener focus group.  Crina and Kirsten appreciate so much the input of listeners into our show topics.  It is one of the best parts of producing the podcast.
 
There are lots of differences in the workplace - generational, personality type (outgoing, quiet, shy etc), approach to solving a problem, risk tolerance, education, experience, religion and of course political beliefs.
 
Our focus group shares that they most worry about conflict resulting from aggressive communication style (such as a brusque or abrupt style), unclear expectations around policies, boundaries, what can and can’t be shared in terms of opinions, emotions and perspectives.
 
Conflict creates a battle between our reason and our emotion.  And feelings (disappointment, loss, grief, betrayal etc.) often fuel our conflicts. When relationships in the workplace are characterized by cooperation, trust, and fairness, the reward center of the brain is activated which encourages future interactions that promote employee trust, respect, and confidence, with employees believing the best in each other and inspiring each other in their performance (Geue, 2017). The Importance of Positive Relationships in the Workplace
When we become angry, the amygdala, part of the limbic system in our brain, is flooded with hormones such as cortisol, adrenaline and testosterone and we become “high” on conflict. If we’re shown acknowledgment and feel that we’re heard, the front or neocortex part of the brain, which is responsible for higher thinking and reasoning, is flooded with serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine. These are hormones that are released when we experience trust and respect.
 
Our listener focus group talked about times they felt they had handled conflict particular well or poorly.  One listener said that when she does not handle conflict well, she shuts down and it robs her of her joy at work and makes her less effective.
Another listener said that she feels she handles conflicts poorly when she is not empathic with the other person and fails to fully consider their position.  Another reported that one of her successes was her ability to flex her communication style with a co-worker to diffuse the conflict.  Note - it is possible that instead of her co-worker’s brain flooding with adrenaline and cortisol, it flooded with serotonin and dopamine! 
 
What are the strategies we use in conflict?
Understanding the science of conflict
Avoiding involves withdrawing from the situation in order to avoid conflict at all costs. This could mean leaving the solution to the passage of time or fate.
Smoothing involves sweeping the disagreement “under the rug” and pretending that everything is pleasant, serene, and cooperative.
Compromising involves each party getting something and giving up something.
Battling involves fighting in a way that produces a clear winner and loser.
Problem solving involves both parties first confronting the disagreement and then resolving it through collaboration.
All of these strategies can be good - and we should probably be using all of them depending on the situation.
 
In the context of all of these strategies - make an effort to find out the needs, concerns, be curious, and fears behind the other party’s position. Always be on the lookout for some of those bedrock needs that drive most people, such as security, economic well-being, a feeling of belonging, status, recognition, being regarded by others as being highly competent, and possessing power and control.
 
Our focus group had some great suggestions.
 “Don’t catch the football” - let the ball drop
Be rich not right - what do you want more - to do a great job or be right
Focus on the facts
Focus on the here and now
HAND CLAP - what is right between your hands to address right now:
Lean back and breathe
Consider where you will get the most traction
Practice empathy, 
Educate herself about the viewpoints of others 
Understanding the root of the conflict and/or their ideas
Do not compromise yourself
Find the PAIN POINT - and gentle ways to work through that
Look for intentions
Ask questions 
Challenge assumptions
Establish agreements and policies and procedures on the front end
 
At the end of it - we are humans and the root of conflict allows us to find our common humanity.
 
And another great article.
https://www.baltimoremagazine.com/special/how-to-manage-disagreements-with-others-in-the-workplace/

Mentorship with Special Guest, Cheryl Strayed!!

In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our hosts welcome the amazing and fabulous Cheryl Strayed to discuss mentorship, women, work, writing and so much more!  Cheryl is a wonderful mentor to so many - through her writing, through her workshops, through her podcasts, through her public speaking - and if that is not enough - through her own personal relationships.  Listeners, our twosome really delivered with this one.  
 
Our hosts and Cheryl discuss the importance of mentorship, how you find a mentor and what to do when you cannot, what happens when mentorship goes bad and how mentorship enriches both the mentor and the mentee.  And really - Cheryl would be interesting regardless of what she talked about, but her thoughts on mentorship are fun and interesting - and big-hearted.
Enjoy!
Photo of Crina and Kirsten by Lemon Wing Photography
Photo of Cheryl by Jennie Baker

Kicking Butt and Taking Names: How to Bring your 'A' Game to Work

Your ‘A’ game, your best self, your peak performance is all about reaching that optimal state of consciousness when you feel like you’re kicking butt and taking names. It’s about getting in the zone, feeling the flow and delivering 100 percent. 
 
SHOW NOTES
 
This episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work is about bringing your A-game.  From a good bra to preparation and performance, Crina and Kirsten have some ideas about how to show up as your best self.
 
Peak performance is about being in the flow, and is described as an optimal state of consciousness - a lack of self- absorption, where the self vanishes, time flies, and optimal performance is achieved.   “It’s an efficiency exchange,” says American University in Beirut neuroscientist Arne Dietrich, who helped discover this phenomena. “We’re trading energy usually used for higher cognitive functions for heightened attention and awareness.” This is one of the main reasons flow feels flowy—because any brain structure that would hamper rapid-fire decision-making is literally shut off - and performance, well, just works.
 
When do we need to bring our A-game?  An interview, public speaking, a presentation, saying no, asking for a raise, pitching a new client, interviewing Cheryl Strayed on your next episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work.
 
What does peak performance look like?  It looks like Anne-Marie Faiola, founder of Brambleberry, Soap Queen, Author of Best Day Ever and all around amazing human.  Anne Marie brings these key elements to show up as her best self:
Over prepare, the big and small things
Evaluate your work - she says for the first few years she cried every time she watched episodes of Soap Queen because she wished she had done better.
ReFrame your negative emotions - butterflies mean you care
 
Anne Marie says some people do not want to try hard because they are afraid of being nerdy - or of failing.  But if you do not do your best, you do not know what you are capable of.
 
Peak performance also looks like being your mental, emotional and physical best - and here are some other ideas.
 
Mental 
Visualize
Learn to control your thoughts 
According to research, peak performance is achievable when you have A clear goal
Ongoing feedback so you know how you’re doing: remember Anne Marie watching her Soap Queen videos?
A challenging task
Find your “pre-game ritual.” Create your own pre-game ritual – something that helps pump you up and makes you feel positive before walking into a big meeting. 
Emotional
 
Positive emotions are much more likely to drive high performance.  And if you do not have positive emotions, well, Fake it til you make it.  
Physical
Remember the power pose
Lots of water
Good night’s sleep
Know the players. Much stress comes from not knowing, and the more knowledge you walk in with, the better you’ll feel. 
Pre performance routine 
Eliminate distractions and energy vampires
Never drink alcohol, be careful about what they eat
Take care of yourself!
And this trying thing is really important.  Really try hard at something - bring your best self - and see what magic you can create.
 
And good reads . . .
 
How to bring your A Game 
The Making of a Corporate Athlete
The Science of Peak Human Performance

Trust Your Gut

Trusting your gut is about trusting yourself. It is about trusting the most important person in your life - YOU!!  Trusting your gut means you make better decisions, decisions that are true to you and you learn you are reliable and trustworthy!  
SHOW NOTES
Crina and Kirsten are on a big high from a listener focus group on this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get toWork - trusting your gut.  Seven listeners gathered for a virtual cocktail hour (or fabulously hydrating water) to discuss what they thought about trusting your gut - what exactly is it, their experience with trusting their gut and how it worked for them.  It was AMAZING!  These wonderful women shared what gut instinct felt like in their bodies, times they found it most useful and how it has affected their career and life path.
So exactly what is your instinct - is it supernatural ESP, a belly-ache or your amazing ability to process information and feelings, physical and emotional?  Of course, it’s the later, but we kinda hope there is a little woo-woo somewhere in there as well.
Courtnet Helgoe writes in 5 Gut Instincts You Shouldn’t Ignore (Five gut instincts you shouldn't ignore) that (you guessed it) there are five main gut instances:
Something feels wrong in my body
I’m in danger
I want to help
I know how to do this, which is more effective for experienced people, once you develop experience, be careful not to overthink it - and trust your gut that you can do it.
This is it (and as one of our focus group listeners said “this isn’t it”)
So why do we care about trusting your gut?  Fundamentally, it is about trusting the most important person in your life - YOU!!  Trusting your gut means you make better decisions, decisions that are true to you and you learn you are reliable and trustworthy!  Who do you think knows you better?!
Cautionary note - trusting your gut about your own personal and professional decisions is great, but be careful about trusting your gut for personnel decisions, such as hiring, firing and promoting.  Doing so can often promote bias.  If we just pick people we are comfortable with - then is it likely we end up with people just like us rather than a diverse work culture of experiences, skills and talents. Be suspicious of your gut in these situations.
Here's why your gut instinct is wrong at work
It is important to cultivate trusting your gut.  Kirsten started with low-level decisions, like what to eat at a restaurant.  Crina had experiences where she did not trust her gut and regretted it.  Learning to trust her gut was a defining moment in Crina’s career.  
So what else can you do to hone your gut instinct:
Listen - check in - what it your literal gut health - use all of your senses
Pay attention to your energy levels
Capture your “AHA” or “WOW”  flashes
Pay attention to your first thought - particularly in the morning when you wake up
5 minute meditation or breathing exercise (yes, again!)
Connect with nature
Kirsten’s friend Jody asks the Universe/higher power for guidance and then listens
Engage in repetitive behavior, preferable physical - walk, run, row, lift weights
Listeners - you are a rich trove of wisdom for yourself - know it, cultivate and use it!  And here are some more good reads on the subject.
thriveglobal.com/stories/womens-intuition-in-business/
How to know when your intuition is talking to you
Trusting Your Gut Is The Best Business Tool You've Got -- If You Can Listen
5 Gut Instincts You Shouldn't Ignore
4 Techniques Guaranteed to Strengthen Your Intuition (Even If You Think You Have None)

Unbox Your Mom

While most moms will agree that since becoming a mom, they have honed their skills as negotiators, facilitators, creative problem-solvers (and in Crina’s case; triage nurses) they are frequently paid less, promoted less and treated as “less” than their counterparts who don’t have kids. Let’s stop putting moms in boxes and start rewarding them for being awesome at work!
 
SHOW NOTES
Don’t be mean to moms - or really anyone!  This episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work is about the bias faced in the workplace against mothers, and by biological extension, all women (who are often assumed to be able and want to have children).  
Our hosts start off with the exploration of the word “mom.”  In many respects “mom” is an honorific, a sacred and respected title.  However, there are times when “mom” is derogatory and limiting - such as “mom” hair, or a “mom” car or “mom” clothes .  In fact, Crina and Kirsten think moms have GREAT hair!!  
The fundamental problem with mom bias is that it limits our experiences, defines our roles, names our place, confines us to expectations simply because we have children. It’s limiting and frustrating - a box too small.
 
One article notes:
 “The pervasive American assumption that mothers should be committed to their children without reservation, that children’s emotional health and academic achievement depend on their mothers being available to them 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Never mind the time a father, relative, friend, or trained caregiver spends with a child — it is a mother’s time that is critical and irreplaceable.” How to Recognize Bias Against Working Mothers
Given these societal expectations on moms, how do moms make it in the workplace?  Crina took both her boys to work until they could walk - and was promoted several times while doing so.  Kirsten also took her youngest to work as an infant, but worked very hard - and was successful - in keeping it a secret from her bosses.  Here’s the truth: Being a mom is an asset to professional growth, driving productivity, management skills and more. 
Researchers from the Center for Creative Leadership studied productivity of parents in the workplace, and found just what working mothers already know: “Raising a family helps develop skills such as negotiating, compromising, conflict resolution and multitasking.”  How Working Mothers Can Overcome Bias.  Unfortunately, the strengths are often not recognized and moms face compensation disparities, are less likely to be hired and promoted to jobs and are more likely to leave jobs.
There are lots of things our governments and communities can do - childcare, paid leave, support for caregivers, flex hours and the like, but there are also things that we, as moms, can do to push back against and mitigate this bias.
Overcommunicate your intentions, do not leave co-workers and supervisors to make conclusions based on bias against working moms - articulate your plans, particularly career goals - because those around you may assume you have none or will quit.
Let folks know when you are out of your office - otherwise they assume you are with your kids.  Telling your coworkers that you are visiting a client, at an appointment etc prevents another assumption about moms.  
If you are the boss, bring your children into the workplace, literally or figuratively.  You will make it more acceptable to integrate the reality of children with the reality that you (and other women) are a successful, kick butt worker!
Advocate for the changes that would make work and parenting more manageable.
And do not forget your legal rights:
Lactation breaks
Pregnancy accommodation
Caring for a seriously sick child
Using your sick leave to care for a sick child
Parental Leave
And here are some more good reads:
How Working Mothers Can Overcome Bias
Will Working Mothers Take Your Company to Court?
Working mothers face a ‘wall’ of bias—but there are ways to push back

What language does your body speak...to YOU?

Your body is constantly sending messages to your brain. The good news is that for the most part, you’re in control! Simple changes to your posture, your facial expression, even the way you’re standing can change how you feel! 
SHOW NOTES
In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our twosome talks about using your body to hack your brain.  What you do with your body can affect your performance, your success - and get you more of that joy, meaning and ease we are looking for in our work. Who knew?!
As with most show topics, this show topic was inspired by a listener and her own struggle with her body’s response during public speaking.  Crina has listened to Amy Cuddy’s Ted Talk Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are - and suggested a few of Amy’s strategies on how you can use your body language to affect your own brain and body.  We often think about what our body language communicates to others, but this episode is about what your body language communicates to YOU!
 
Think power poses, think the runner crossing the finish line first and raising arms overhead, think the soccer player scoring a goal and arms thrust overhead and eyes to the sky - these are the poses of winners.  Many of these poses are associated with men and masculine traits, but it's time for us fabulous females to own some of that magic.  And this is a real thing - a field of science called embodied cognition.
Cuddy conducted an experiment where applicants were interviewed - and the situation was stressful because the interviewers were coached to show no reaction at all.  Half of the participants were instructed to do the power pose (arms outstretched and overhead) before the interview and half were instructed to wrap their arms around themselves and curl up.  These interviews were taped and when operservers watched the interviews and picked the successful candidates - the cast majority were the candidates who had performed the power pose.
 
There is some interesting work from Mat Boule in Montreal on how posture affects how you learn and perform.
What we do with our bodies can affect how we perform and how we experience our workplace.  Listen in for the extra special not-so-secret strategies on how to get your body to speak the language you need to hear.
And, of course, as always - interesting reads and listens:
Science Says These 11 Body Language Secrets Will Make You More Successful
Your body language may shape who you areccessful.html

Uncertainty: No Wonder You Feel Like Such a Train Wreck!

When the future is unknown we tend to unravel, but is this the only option? While our brains are not trained to settle down in uncertain conditions, it is possible to survive and even thrive when life, and work, is up in the air.
SHOW NOTES
Our hosts on Crina and Kirsten Get to Work do some metaphorical spelunking into our brains on uncertainty - and most importantly - what to do about it.  How can you have joy, meaning and ease in your work when you are experiencing uncertainty?  Crina and Kirsten will tell you how.
First, an exploration of our brains on uncertainty . . .
According to a 2014 study in the journal Nature Reviews Neuroscience, uncertainty disrupts many of the habitual and automatic mental processes that govern routine action. This disruption creates conflict in the brain, and this conflict can lead to a state of both hypervigilance and outsized emotional reactivity to negative experiences or information. In other words, uncertainty acts like rocket fuel for worry; it causes people to see threats everywhere they look, and at the same time it makes them more likely to react emotionally in response to those threats.  And that is no good when it comes to meaning, ease and joy!
 
And there is lots of uncertainty at work:
Meetings with no agenda
Meetings where you’re put on the spot
No regular check-ins with your supervisor or your team
Unclear expectations
No control of outcomes
Unsafe work environment
Being the “only”
No clear measurements of success
Arbitrary decision-making
Constantly shifting priorities
And or course our wonder women will not leave us holding the big ugly bag of uncertainty.  Crina’s “go to” response to uncertainty is to plan or plan not to plan and COVID has presented her with many opportunities to use her coping strategies for uncertainty.  Kirsten tends to rely on radical acceptance in the face of uncertainty - to accept what is  - or  - is not.
Here are some other strategies to deal with uncertainty:
Prepare for different possibilities (a riff on Crina’s planning).
Become a feeling observer.
Get confident about your coping and adapting skills.
Utilize stress reduction techniques preemptively.
Focus on what you can control.
Practice mindfulness.
Don’t expose yourself to too much news 
Choose as much as you can to be with people who are calm, authentic and optimistic
 
And as always - the good reads:
How to Cope With Uncertainty
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0965856414002146
Uncertainty and Anticipation in Anxiety
Why we're hardwired to hate uncertainty | Marc Lewis

Rituals: The Secret Sauce to Satisfaction

Performing a ritual has been proven to suppress the anxiety response in the brain. Rituals also calm the mind, help us transition from one task to the next, bond people together and provide structure to otherwise chaotic days.
 
SHOW NOTES
 
In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our hosts turn their attention to the importance of rituals - the secret sauce to satisfaction.
 
The world can be a crazy and chaotic place - and that is certainly true now with COVID and protests and politics and working from home (or not working at all), working outside of your home (back to COVID) plus all of the things that “normal” life presents.  Rituals can keep us grounded and connected.
 
Dr. Nick Hobson is a neuroscientist from the University of Toronto and founder of The Behaviorist, a behavioral and brain science consultancy, describes a ritual as:
 
a ritual script - a “predefined sequence characterized by rigidity, formality and repetition.” 
meaningful  - it must be “embedded in a larger system of symbolism and meaning.” 
some irrationality associated with it, or “lack instrumental purpose.”
 
But don’t get stuck on the definition - focus on whether there is meaning in the repetitive action.
 
While we can have rituals that are just our own, rituals often involve other people.  Dr. Cristine H. Legare, associate professor of psychology at The University of Texas at Austin says, “[m]ost rituals are done in groups as collective practices. And there is always group buy-in. The amazing thing is that, unlike habits or routines, they have been shown in social psychology to improve everything—from making your food tastier to making you more motivated.”.
 
And here are some more benefits from rituals - rituals can regulate 
emotions, 
performance goal states, and
social connection to others.
Rituals help us regulate strong emotions - think about a funeral.  They impose order in the chaos that is sometimes life - think renewing wedding vows.  Rituals can also be more everyday - think a family eating pizza and cozying up on a couch to watch a movie every Friday night to wind down from the week and reconnect.  
But our hosts are talking about WORK - so what about rituals at work??!!
Work rituals can express values and build connection and have been found to increase satisfaction and productivity.  Rituals at work should be as inclusive as possible to ensure everyone can take part. Key questions to ask: is this something that everyone can feel comfortable participating in? What is the impact on overall company culture? What happens if someone wants to opt-out?
Here are some ideas for workplace rituals:
 
When a new employee joins, how do you welcome and connect the new person:
Lunch out
At one company, each employee leaves something from their desk and the new employee has to find the owner and the story behind the object
DropBox, a company who values delight, dends each new employee the ingredients to make and decorate cupcakes
When an employee leaves, how do you send them off:
At AirBNB, the entire office forms a human tunnel of well-wishers for the departing employee to run through
How do you create connection during COVID:
A weekly Zoom meeting with an interesting question for everyone to answer - and no work topics
Send boxes of snacks and drinks for a Zoom happy hour
 
Whatever you do, it should be engaging, meaningful and regular - the data says it will make your workplace more productive and satisfying!
 
And interesting reading:
How Rituals at Work Boost Team Performance (An Investigative Report)| The Beautiful Blog
Using purposeful workplace rituals to build better teams - Bracket