Crina and Kirsten Get to Work

Attractive Women Make More Money

Every day before work, women shave, shampoo, condition, exfoliate, moisturize, cover-up, tone, powder, brush, style, spray, whiten, clip, paint, smooth, enhance, conceal, deodorize and pluck (did we miss anything?). In fact women spend an average of 27 minutes a day getting ready for work, use somewhere around 16 unique products on their bodies and spend thousands of dollars on clothes and shoes.
 
Why do we do this? Some women use clothes, hair and makeup as a form of self expression, which is great! But many of us spend time on appearances in order to protect ourselves, fit into the mold and be “acceptable.” Remember what the patriarchy told you: ladies need to look the part in order to be successful. 
 
The truth of the matter is that a woman’s appearance can impact her income, status, and how others perceive her at work. 
 
According to Leah D. Sheppard, an assistant professor at Washington State University who conducted a variety of experiments testing others' perception of attractive women, found that “beautiful women were perceived to be less truthful, less trustworthy as leaders, and more deserving of termination than their ordinary-looking female counterparts.”
 
On another note, a seminal study conducted by NYU sociologist Dalton Conley and NYU graduate student Rebecca Glauber found that women’s weight gain results in a decrease in both their income level and job prestige. By contrast, men experience no such negative effects.
 
According to a landmark study from Cornell University, white women who put on an additional 64 pounds, experienced a 9% drop in wages. And according to a 2007 paper from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, there is a statistically significant "wage penalty" for overweight and obese white women. ("Previous studies have shown that white women are the only race-gender group for which weight has a statistically significant effect on wages," according to the paper.) The obese take a bigger hit, with a wage loss of 12%. 
 
And as if that isn’t enough, a more recent study by researchers at Harvard University, Boston University, and the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute found makeup was found to increase people’s perceptions of a woman’s likeability and trustworthiness as well.
 
And finally, although there is no correlation between height and effectiveness or intelligence, a woman who is 5 feet 7 inches tall--well above the national female average of 5 feet, 3.5 inches--will make $5,250 more over the course of a year than a female co-worker standing 5 feet 2 inches.
 
So what to do about it?
 
Be aware of your bias
Create a “work uniform” so you don’t have to spend so much time and money on outfits
Stop commenting on women’s appearances. No more, “How are you feeling?” “You look tired!”
According to Tracy Spicer:Take note of the number of minutes your personal grooming eats up over a day a week and month
Think about all the other things you could be doing
Decide what you can reduce or live without
Anonymous recruitment practices
Celebrate women of all shapes and sizes
 
And of course, the good reads:
For Women in Business, Beauty Is a Liability
Your looks and your job
Think Looks Don't Matter? Think Again
The double standards women face at work every day
The lady stripped bare | Tracey Spicer | TEDxSouthBankWomen

The Urgency Trap

When every one of your tasks is urgent, you quickly lose control. In fact, when trapped by urgency, your stress increases, your judgement declines and your anger and anxiety become front-and-center. So how to get out of the urgency trap and start getting yourself some ease, meaning and joy at work? The answers might surprise you!
 
SHOW NOTES
 
In the episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work our hosts tackle one of the most significant negative impacts on your ease, meaning and joy in the workplace - URGENCY!  Yes, the topic is the hair-raising, spine-tingling, sweat producing, pulse racing and shallow breathing of urgency. 
 
When something big or just everything feels urgent, we experience:
 
A rise in stress hormones
Executive function decline
Memory, judgement, impulse control deteriorate
Anger and anxiety centers of the brain are activated
 
And once we experience those things, we experience:
Low energy
Cravings
Insomnia
Irritability
Anxiety
Poor concentration
 
Before you read on - just consider for a moment the bullet points above - a buzzkill on your ease, meaning and joy!
 
When every task is the most urgent, it limits our mind’s ability to think creatively. Problem solving is nearly impossible, and we resort to rushed, bad decisions that cause our team’s more time and effort in the long run to correct.
 
Urgency also gets in the way of the things our higher selves want to accomplish - diversity, equity and inclusion, which require us to consider our biases and question our assumptions and conclusions.  While we all experience urgency - white culture seems to embrace the nettle of urgency in an almost reverent manner.  Sometimes we white folks equate our self worth with the urgency of our attention to someone or some task.  WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE: Characteristics
 
And while Crina and Kirsten like to give you good news, there is bad news here - our brains are hard wired to respond to urgency.  In fact, in order to get our urgency rush, we will give up bigger rewards over the long term.  See the reading below for the data and science behind “our brains on urgency.”
 
If we know urgency has negative effects on our physical, psychological and emotional capacity - and how effective we are at work, how do we minimize urgency - and note - our gals are realistic - urgency is our forever friend, but we have some boundaries with that frenemy urgency:
 
Set realistic work plans - and check you optimism (which in other areas Crina and Kirsten generally encourage, but optimism can really take us to a bad place if we are not realistic about work plans
Set aside time for planning
When we do planning - plan for urgency, what is your response
Think like an ER doctor - assess, prioritize and make a plan - An ER doctor on triaging your "crazy busy" life
Don't assume that "urgent" means "immediately"
Stop hurrying  - awareness
Push back against your inner urgency bias by:Making lists
Challenge your own thinking - because we know we have an urgency bias
For those who want to dig in deeper - here are some great reads on the topic:
 
When every task is top priority, 
My Sense of Urgency Is Killing Me (Slowly)
When Everything Is Urgent, Nothing Really Is
When everything feels urgent, choose significant instead
How to manage your time better by fighting "urgency bias" — Quartz at Work (qz.com)
WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE: Characteristics
The Psychology of Urgency: 9 Ways to Drive Conversions

Five Generations Walk Into an Office

For the first time in history, there are five generations in the workforce...yes, five! And while this might cause some struggles with communication (ahem...did someone say mute?), and possible differences of opinion, it turns out that we all want many of the same things. Yep, we’re talking about ease, meaning and joy.
 
SHOW NOTES
In this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work our hosts consider the impact of five generations of humans on the workforce - yes 5!! Workers from their early seventies until their late teens.  In their quest for ease, meaning and joy at work and at life, let’s dive into what this means for us!
The five generations in the workplace include:
Traditionalists – those in the early seventies or later.  These folks are shaped by the Great Depression, World War II, radio and movies.  They are motivated by respect, recognition, and providing long-term value to their employer.  Their communication style is personal.  Their worldview values obedience over individualism, age equals seniority and workers move up the ladder.  These people are respectful and loyal.
Baby Boomers are in the mid fifties to early seventies.  These folks are shaped by the Vietnam War, the Civil Rights Movement and Watergate.  They are motivated by company loyalty, teamwork and duty.  The communication style of these people is varied - face to face, person, phone - whatever works.  Their worldview is that achievement comes after paying one’s dues; and sacrifice equals success.
Generation X are folks in their early forties to mid fifties.  They were shaped by the AIDS epidemic, the fall of the Berlin Wall and the dot.com boom.  They are motivated by diversity, work life balance and their own personal-professional interests rather than company interests.  Their worldview favors diversity, they are quick to move on if the employer fails to meet their needs, resistant to changes at work when it impacts their personal  interests.  Their communication style is also what is most efficient.
Millennials are folks who are twenty-one to forty.  They were shaped by Columbine, 9/11 and the internet.  They are motivated by responsibility, the quality of their manager and unique work experience.  Their world view is seeking challenge, growth, and development; a fun work life and work-life balance; likely to leave an organization if they don't like change.  Their communication style isIMs, texts, and email. 
Generation Z are folks twenty and younger.  They were shaped by the Great Recession technology from a young age.  They are motivated by diversity, personalization, individuality and creativity.  Their communication style is IMs, texts, social media.  They are self-identifying as digital device addicts; and value independence and individuality.
See [Infographic]Generational Differences in the Workplace [Infographic]
 
Lots has changed for some of these folks.  There are more women in the workplace, less religion, fewer veterans and less people who are married.  How Millennials today compare with their grandparents 50 years ago
 
It turns out that we can make gross generalizations about each other - see above - :-)!  And it also turns out we make even more assumptions about how others think of us.
 
We all want the same four things:
 
Working for someone who care about employees well-being
Ethical leadership
Diverse and inclusion of all people
FInancial stability
 
Tune in and learn how our alikeness is more important than our differences and how our differences create more ease, meaning and joy at work.
 
And more good reads:
4 Things Gen Z and Millennials Expect From Their Workplace
Just How Different Are Millennials, Gen Xers, and Baby Boomers at Work?
Generations in the Workplace
Managing People from 5 Generations
How Millennials today compare with their grandparents 50 years ago

Ready, Set, Rest!

Rest is so much more than sleep. Our minds and bodies also need rest from things like mental stimulation, social encounters, creative endeavors and emotional outputs. Taking time to truly rest your mind, body and soul is the ultimate self care regiment and a direct line to ease, meaning and joy at work, and in life!
 
SHOW NOTES
 
On this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our hosts go deep on rest.  Of course, there is sleep, but oh so much more.  We expend different kinds of energy throughout the day - mental, creative, sensory, physical and social.  Consider one meeting in your day - you use mental and possibly creative energy, if you are on Zoom, you are taxing your senses by what you can (and what you cannot) discern from Zoom and you are probably using some of your social energy as well.  How is that we renew and restore?  No question rest is a big part of the ease, meaning and joy equation.
 
Why do We Working Women Need Rest?
 
According to Saundra Dalton-Smith in The 7 Types of Rest that Every Person Needs,  “[w]ithout attention to rest, we are creating a culture of high-achieving, high-producing, chronically tired and chronically burned-out individuals.”  According to psych central, 70 percent of visits to the doctor are due to stress-related health issues. “Rest is the only way to engage the part of our nervous system that allows for relaxation.” It is literally vital for our physical and mental health.”  The 7 types of rest that every person needs | (ted.com)
 
What Does the Data Say about the Effectiveness of Rest?
 
Researchers at Stanford did a series of experiments looking at the effects of walking on creativity, as measured by a test of divergent thinking—which asked people to come up with novel ways of using an everyday item, like a brick or a doorstop. The researchers compared participants’ performance under four conditions: while walking on a treadmill, while seated inside, while walking outside, or while being wheeled outside in a wheelchair. Their results showed that walking and being outside each separately led to better performance on the test. Moreover, in one experiment, the researchers showed that the benefits of walking on creativity did not fade immediately, but carried over into performance on future tests. ”https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_resting_more_can_boost_your_productivity
 
The company Basecamp added another day to the weekend and found productivity unchanged.  Workers got done in 4 days what had taken 5.  8 Minute Read Why Restorative Rest Makes You More Productive And How To Achieve It
 
How Do We Achieve the Restorative Rest 
 
Whether you schedule a walk with a friend (or by yourself), commit to get up from your desk once every hour to get a glass of water, meditate for 10 minutes before you start your day or book your solo vacation - get it on your schedule!  
 
If you want to restore your creative energy - get inspired by listening to music, getting outside in nature, watching the sunset or enjoying beautiful art. If you want to restore your physical energy, sleep - of course, but also just sitting.  If you find yourself irritable and unable to concentrate, you may have expended too much mental energy - which is classic Kirsten.  Schedule a time to take a breath.  Crina schedules lunch and commits to healthy, nutritious food and it is an anchor in her day and restorative in many ways. If you are on sensory overload - turn everything off and shut your eyes - just for 10 deep breaths - and avoid going home and turning the tv on - find some quiet. Emotional energy is complicated - are you holding others emotions or has life just sent you on an emotional roller-coaster?  Identify what you need - maybe you need to authentically express your emotions in a safe place or to wrap a metaphorical quilt around your tender soul?  Social rest is an obvious one for those of us who are introverts - we need time to ourselves, and so do those of us who are extroverts - we just tend to need less of it and sometimes not realize it.  Spiritual rest is the energy to find deep meaning, a sense of purpose and belonging and love.  When those things are missing from our lives, it may be time to up our spiritual energy quotient.  It could be faith or religion, but Dalton-Smith suggests that you can cultivate a sense of purpose with music, uplifting and inspiring videos, focusing on the magical - such as the bloom of a flower or dew on a leaf - and then going back to these moments when you feel disconnected.
 
Check out Dalton-Smith’s article above - it is a rich trove of ideas and the inspiration for this show.

Philosophy Can Change Your Work...Seriously!

Stoicism teaches us how to keep a calm and rational mind no matter what. This ancient philosophy lends insight into understanding and focusing on what you can control while letting go and accepting what you can't. 
 
SHOW NOTES
 
Today on Crina and Kirsten Get to Work our hosts do an archaeological dig into an ancient philosophy - Stoicism - to find the golden nuggets to create more ease, meaning and joy at work.  The idea for this episode comes from Ryan Holiday’s Daily Stoic podcast - 2-3 minute Stoic inspired daily meditations to help you live your best life.  Ryan is a New Your Times best selling author and his style and content are really relatable.  Okay - so now you know it, Kirsten got a little obsessed - and highly recommends the podcast.
 
Stoicism was created by a dude named Zeno in Athens in the third century BC.  Stoicism is a school of philosophy for people who want to get stuff done in the world - then and now.  As a side note, it was the philosophical inspiration for cognitive behavioral therapy - cool.  It has been a relatively male-dominated school of thought.  Crina and Kirsten make it the working woman’s philosophy.  
 
In addition to Zeno, three people took Zenp’s work and ran with it.  Marcus Aurelius, reputed to be the last good emperor of the Roman Empire and the most powerful man on earth, journalled his thoughts each day. This journal has been published as the book Meditations.  Epictetus was born a slave and went on to found his own school and taught many of Rome’s greatest minds, one of which was Marcus Aurelius. Epictetus’ teachings were memorialized by another of his students, Arrian on Discourses and Enchiridion.   Senec was a tutor and adviser to Nero and Rome’s best playwright and super hero power broker – sometimes said to be what we think of as the modern modern day entrepreneur. His personal letters are another source of Stoic philosophy.
Stoicism teaches how to keep a calm and rational mind no matter what happens to you and it helps you understand and focus on what you can control and not worry about and accept what you can't control.  The goal of Stoicism is eudaimonia or supreme happiness or fulfilment attainable by human beings  - core purpose or the good life – a flourishing, lofty, and smoothly flowing life. The idea is that we can control our own behavior, but not the outcome of our behavior or others’ behaviors; and a calm and rational mind allows us to accept those outcomes.
 
There are five main elements according to our ametuer Stoics, Kirsten and Crina:
Nature: Nature is rational.  Live in agreement with nature
Law of Reason: The universe is governed by the law of reason. 
Virtue: Courage, justice and discipline  - and virtue is its own reward
Control: Focus on what you can control and accept what you cannot
Wisdom: Wisdom is the root virtue (see above).
Crina and Kirsten turn to modern female Stoics to explore the importance of emotion in Stoicism, and some core principles applied to women and work, such as The Way is Through, Don’t Make Things Harder than they Need to Be, Impossible Without Your Consent, Keep it Simple, Protect Your Peace of Mind and A Career is Not a Life Sentence.  
 
This episode is a great introduction to Stoicism and how it can bring more ease, meaning and joy to work and life.  And of course - the obvious - that men do not have the corner on Stoicism - or anything else.
Stoicism and Emotion: An Interview with Professor Margaret Graver (dailystoic.com)
Nutshell: Stoicism: a practical philosophy for life and work
A Universal Philosophy: Great Insights From Female Stoics (dailystoic.com)
Stoicism (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

Evaluations Don't Need to Suck

Feedback is AWESOME, unless it’s not. The crazy thing is that the vast majority of evaluations/assessments/performance reviews are lame and unproductive, yet we are subjected to them time and time again. The good news is that employee reviews don’t need to suck!
 
SHOW NOTES
 
On this second in a series of episodes exploring what does not need to suck at work, Crina and Kirsten delve into workplace performance evaluations.
 
And yes, even in the midst of a year into the pandemic, evaluations of how we do at work continue.  Evaluations, reviews, appraisals . . . so many names for what can be stress inducing and a waste of time.  To understand how we got here with evaluations, let’s look at the history.
 
Evaluations can be traced back to WWI when the military wanted to identify poor performers.  By the 1960s, 90% of companies were using appraisals and ranking systems.  During this same time there was a shortage of managerial talent and companies started shifting away from evaluations that reflected performance by scores to using evaluations as a professional development tool. This new approach was based on a theory that employees wanted to perform well and would do so if supported properly, opposed to the previous theory which assumed you had to motivate people with material rewards and punishments.  And this is the part where evaluations do not have to suck - evaluations should motivate and inspire employees to do better.  Companies have moved back to ranking and scoring rather than motivating and inspiring and we see evaluation programs trying to do it all and not doing a lot of it well.  The Future of Performance Reviews (hbr.org)
 
All of this is to say that we are all still trying to figure out how to 
Support employees
Reward good performance
Recruit and retain talent
Eliminate poor performers who are “uncoachable”
 
Here’s some of what we know about performance reviews and employee engagement:
 
45% of HR leaders do not think annual performance reviews are an accurate appraisal for employee’s work. Employee Performance Program & Coaching | CoreAxis Corporate Training & eLearning
Only 8% of companies believe their performance management process is highly effective in driving business value, while 58% say it’s not an effective use of time. Employee Performance Program & Coaching | CoreAxis Corporate Training & eLearning
 
The Harvard Business Review summarizes workers experience, “[w]ith their heavy emphasis on financial rewards and punishments and their end-of-year structure, [annual reviews] hold people accountable for past behavior at the expense of improving current performance and grooming talent for the future, both of which are critical for organizations’ long-term survival.   In contrast, regular conversations about performance and development change the focus to building the workforce your organization needs to be competitive both today and years from now. Business researcher Josh Bersin estimates that about 70% of multinational companies are moving toward this model, even if they haven’t arrived quite yet.”  The Future of Performance Reviews (hbr.org) 
 
SO WHAT CAN WE DO INSTEAD?
Engage more deeply with the work of your direct reports and team:
 
Regular check ins provide frequent and timely feedback and support.  And the data supports that frequency is important.  Studies show weekly check-ins increase performance by 13% where monthly check-ins decrease it by 5%.  9 Lies About Work, Buckingham and Goodall.
Companies who implement regular employee feedback have turnover rates that are 14.9% lower than for employees who receive no feedback. Employee Performance Program & Coaching | CoreAxis Corporate Training & eLearning.
 
Frequency is important because it allows real time considerations to occur, ongoing problem solving and direct application of learning. It allows employees and managers to make sense of real-time information together, focus on the next week, the problem to solve; build relationships and trust; and evaluates performance. It allows for listening, course-correcting, adjusting, coaching, pinpointing, advising, paying attention and providing real-time feedback.
 
This is in contrast to annual check ins where information is discussed when it is likely to be obsolete or irrelevant. 
 
Provide meaningful, real time feedback
 
Whatever the feedback, the purpose should be to motivate employees to do better work, position them for success and further engage them.  Gallup research tells us that managers have a tough time with this and only about 15% of managers strongly agree that they are effective at giving feedback.  And this is in contrast to employees who tell us that meaningful feedback would inspire them to work harder.  Employee Performance Program & Coaching | CoreAxis Corporate Training & eLearning
 
Reframe the annual review
The annual review process is better suited for a development opportunity.  Annual reviews should do a couple of big things:  set goals, align those individual goals with those of the company, include clear measurement towards the goals, including measuring progress.
The content of evaluations should not be a surprise, but rather a chance to sit down and review what you’ve been discussing all year.  
 
HOW TO JUMP START THIS PROCESS FOR YOURSELF, AS THE EMPLOYEE ON THE RECEIVING END?
 
The first thing we can do is to ask for regular feedback.  Start small - or not - always interesting to go big!  When we ask for feedback, we need to be open to feedback and open to the process and we need to pay close attention.  
 
Another helpful strategy is to ask about the review process your manager uses.  What is it meant to accomplish, what does she want to measure?  Understanding the process can be helpful in determining what is important about your performance and allows you to better use the information you get.
 
There are things managers and employees can do to make the evaluation and review process better.  We can take it further from its military WWII roots and rather than use it as a way to punish, use it as a way to inspire and motivate to bring more ease, meaning and joy to the workplace.
 
And another great read:
17 Mind-blowing Statistics on Performance Reviews and Employee Engagement

You Need to Laugh at Work

You need to laugh at work...or at least chuckle! According to the research, humor can dissolve tension, reduce stress and  make you more productive and committed to your workplace. 
 
SHOW NOTES
 
On this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work, our hosts focus on humor in the workplace.  Who does not love to laugh?!!  Whether at home or at work or frankly anywhere!!  The “humor” our duo discusses is not just the belly laugh, but also the amusing, the cheerful, the light and the genial ways we can interact with each other at work.  Humor is for more than the comedians among us!
 
This episode was inspired by Kirsten’s cousin, Dr. Rufus Browning - Professor of Humor at University of Maryland.  Cousin Rufus was one of the founders of International Humor Conference -fancy!.  He explained to Kirsten that humor is the juxtaposition of the absurd (putting things next to each other that do not make sense), which causes our brains to freak out a little bit and we laugh because it releases good chemicals and allows us to better manage the absurdity.  
 
When we laugh, our brains produce less cortisol (inducing calm and reducing stress) and release more endorphins (which give us something like a runner’s high) and oxytocin (often called the “love” hormone). It’s like meditating, exercising, and having sex at the same time. 
 
Sophie Scott, a professor from the University College London, is a humor expert and researcher.  She says that laughter is one of the first things you learn as a baby. It is a tool for socialization.  She talks about all kinds of laughter, polite laughter, agreeable laughter and the humorous or comedic laughter.  She says, “laughter is not just about ‘funny.’ it’s about being human.”  We signal our trust in each other when we laugh.  Laughter: The Best Medicine | Hidden Brain
 
Even rats laugh and it contributes to their socialization as well.  When researchers cut the vocal cords of rats (sad!), the rats could no longer laugh.  When introduced with other rats who still had their vocal cords and could laugh, the laughless rats were more likely to get bitten.  It appears when rats laughed during play, they were signaling something to each other that reduced aggression, and those rats who could not laugh were not able to send those signals and got bitten more.  
 
WHAT ARE THE REWARDS OF HUMOR?
“Research shows that leaders with any sense of humor are seen as 27% more motivating and admired than those who don’t joke around. Their employees are 15% more engaged, and their teams are more than twice as likely to solve a creativity challenge — all of which can translate into improved performance. Studies even show that something as simple as adding a lighthearted line at the end of a sales pitch — like “My final offer is X and I’ll throw in my pet frog” — can increase customers’ willingness to pay by 18%.  A bad dad joke can literally help you get paid.” How to Be Funny at Work.
 
Humor can make employees more productive and engaged.  It can improve decision-making and creativity, it can make new information, problems easier to solve and ideas easier to absorb. Humor also improves your communication in that people are more likely to listen to you and remember what you said.  And of course it increases our connection to others.  And it clearly is the magic elixir because it also improves your health.  16 thoughts on “30 Benefits of Humor at Work”
 
HOW TO BE HUMOROUS AT WORK
And, of course, our hosts are down with some practical tips to get more of that goodness at work.
Warning - maintain PC and PG at work - it is tempting to engage in a little racy frivolity, but save that for non-work spaces.  
Reminder - this is more about levity and lightness than it is comedy. Allow for the lightness
Ideas:
Set a goal - laugh 20 times days
Be silly 
Add lightness to your presentations - some pictures of puppies and kittens are a fine choice
Add fun to introductions - i.e. what should your job title really be, what StarWars character are you?
If there are outings - choose fun over stiff - i.e. bowling
Zoom backgrounds offer an opportunity for levity
Email sign off -- yours heavily caffeinated, yours unvaccinated
 
If this is not something you are already comfortable with, dip your toe in - it feels great and if you are comfortable with humor and lightness - bring it on at work because it will give everyone more ease meaning and joy.
And another great read:
Why Humor in the Workplace is a Key to Success

Your Love/Hate Relationship with Apologies

Saying, “sorry” is great, except when it’s not. An apology says you value the relationship, you have learned something and the offense will not happen again (or at least making efforts to do so). So why do sooooo many apologies end up feeling all wrong?
SHOW NOTES
On this episode of Crina and Kirsten Get to Work our hosts delve into apologizing.  You may love an apology or you may hate an apology, but unless you are perfect (and if you think you are, you can stop reading right now - :-)), an apology is an important part of any relationship, including workplace relationships.
Crina hates hearing the words, “I am sorry.”  She hates over apologizing, shitty apologies, particularly those apologies used like a get out of jail free card.  Kirsten loves the opportunity an apology offers and how a real apology opens the door to further conversation.
Apologies at work build trust, build team and show humility. An apology says you value the relationship, you have learned something and the offense will not happen again (or at least making efforts to do so)
Gender Difference in Apologizing
Like many things, there are differences when it comes to apologies between men and women,  Women Really Do Apologize More Than Men. Here's Why (and It Has Nothing to Do With Men Refusing to Admit Wrongdoing) | Inc.com.  
A series of studies found that women apologize more than men because they report committing more offenses than men.  The studies suggest that men apologize less frequently than women because they have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior. “It takes a more serious offense for men to think of an apology as deserved,” Dr. Karina Schumann, one of the study’s researchers, said in an email. In another study, Dr. Schumann and her colleagues gave men and women various hypothetical offenses to commit. Men rated the offenses as less severe and less deserving of an apology than women. “These findings supported our suspicion that men apologize less often because they are less likely to think they’ve offended anyone,” Dr. Schumann said.  Why women apologize more than men: gender differences in thresholds for perceiving offensive behavior.  In other words, women are more willing to see an offense and apologize more often.
The question of women’s apologies is a hot topic.  Some people feel that women should stop apologizing, while others think we should stop pathologizing apologies.  Deborah Tannen, communications author, says, maybe we should stop stigmatizing apologies.
No, You Don’t Have to Stop Apologizing (Published 2019)
Telling women to apologize less isn’t about empowerment. It’s about shame. - The Washington Post  Crina and Kirsten are in the camp that you should apologize if you want to - it is up to you - and no pathologized, demonizing or stigmatizing - and apology to add to your power rather than take away from it.
The Gift of Apologies
Apologies offer a gift to the person making the apology, a gift to the person to whom the apology is made and a gift to the relationship.  Apologies can create better relationships in the workplace.
Elements of an Apology
According to ​The 6 elements of an effective apology, according to science, the elements of apology are as follows:
Expression of regret
Explanation of what went wrong
Acknowledgment of responsibility
Declaration of repentance
Offer of repair
Request for forgiveness
What Makes a Good Apology According to Harriet Lerner
No buts, a “but” undercuts your apology.
Focus on your acts not the other person’s feelings - what did you do and what was your part
Make amends, whether you can return or replace something or make best efforts so that you will not do what you did again
Don’t overdo an apology - to Crina’s point at the beginning
Don’t take too much responsibility
Don’t make it about you
Stay on point
No blame to the other person
No repeat performance - change behavior (see amends)
Your apology should not silence the other party - an apology is a great time to listen
Don’t make an apology for your own benefit - if someone does not want to hear from you, stop.
A true apology does not ask the other person for anything
What an Apology Does for Us
The best thing about an apology is what it does for us.  We grow in ourselves.
We maintain our integrity about how we live in the world.  We build self-esteem and self respect by living our values.
And here is the Podcast from Brene Brown and Harriet Lerner that inspired this episode.
Harriet Lerner and Brené - I'm Sorry: How To Apologize & Why It Matters
Why we've been saying 'sorry' all wrong - BBC Worklife